I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Recently, I experienced mom-heartache. Something so simple, marks the end of a period in time. I know the cliche about kids growing up before your eyes and to cherish things while you can. "You're Gonna Miss This,"  by Trace Atkins sums it up so nicely, in a way only country music can.

While I can't wait for my kids to grow up, I want to slow it down as much as I can. I'm excited for their futures and the possibilities of what they can become and do. In those ways, I welcome time passing. But then I realize that with each stage of independence, I have to say good-bye to the parts that make my babies....well, my babies. Too often we wish for them to be able to walk, only to miss them needing us to be mobile. I really do try to savor each stage, knowing they don't last for long. There were days, (mostly toddler days) when I wished they could be more independent, only because my life would become a little easier. There were days when I really wished we could just skip the tantrum stage and go straight to the well-behaved older kid stage, because surely at some age they act right! I love how when kids don't act right - it's a stage and when they do - it's because of wonderful parenting.

This moment is frozen in time....

It is a natural instinct for me to reach for my kids' hands when we are walking. I like to hold their hands. It's comforting. I never thought about what age they stop holding your hand. I mean, I know I don't see teenagers walking around the mall holding their parents' hands, but when exactly does that change?

Heart-break. While walking into the mall, I reached down and held Leah's hand. Right away she grabbed mine. With my other hand, I reached out to hold Bryce's. He held mine back. FOR LIKE A SECOND. He awkwardly and quickly pulled his hand away. I reached for it again and he evaded my search for his. I looked at him confused. He just smirked but his eyes looked sad.

I asked, "Don't you want to hold my hand?"

He shyly replied, trying his best not to hurt my feelings, " I DO WANT TO Mom, its just...." And his little voice trailed off.

I tried my best to keep it together. My little guy! My buddy! When did he get old enough to know it wasn't cool to walk around the mall holding my hand?

I said it's OK. I understood. He stated again. "I really DO like holding your hand, Mom, I just can't."

I think it really hit home about how old Bryce is getting. I couldn't be more proud of how intelligent he is, not only in school, but in life. He's compassionate and caring and even knew how to make me feel better about not holding his hand. He was always such a perfect baby and is growing into a well-rounded little person. He does well at whatever he tries, but is always eager to learn more. His mind is so open to new things and now his hands can be open to new things as well.

It is pretty symbolic. I mean, you have to let go of their hand at some point, right? I still reach down for his hand, without even thinking about it. He still pulls away and then smirks at me. I guess there is no going back now.

And while this milestone can bring me to tears, I'm OK. He's OK. And you know what? He will still come up to me (even in front of his friends) and give me the best, big hug. He holds on super tight and for a long time. I squeeze back as hard as I can, without hurting the poor boy, and I savor it. One day those hugs will be quicker, if they even exist at all when he's a teenager. I never knew you could be so happy about something and so sad at the same time, with one big sweep of emotion.

My baby is growing up.

8/14/2003 Bryceman 

                                                                   

Happy Friggin' New Year

We decided to have a party at our house for New Year's Eve. Well, not really. We had planned to go to my brother's house. The quickest thing you learn as a parent, is things don't usually go as planned. So, like I was saying, we had a lice party at our house.

The new running joke is that Leah got lice for Christmas. Along with her cousin Tynli. The family that plays together, gets lice together. This is the gift that keeps on giving!

I am really cautious about a lot of infectious diseases, but for some reason I never had a paranoia for lice. I have received notices home from school saying we had been exposed, but we never caught it. No one close to me (that I know of) has ever had lice. To me, it seemed hard to contract.

Well, now that we contracted it, it seems hard to get rid of. The work that goes into cleaning everything properly and perform head inspections is exhausting. After five days of treating Leah and the house, we really thought we were in the clear. I know the box said to retreat in 7 days, but I thought this was a precautionary tale about what happens if you don't clean like a mad lady, like I had. I was planning on retreating on day 7 anyway.

New Year's Eve (day 6 in lice terms) I'm doing my normal head check on Leah and discover that the lice isn't all the way gone. I start to freak out because I have been swimming in her hair all week. I assumed after the initial shampooing it will disappear. Wrong. Immediately, I have Bobby check my head. He said he wasn't sure but he thinks he saw something?

I go upstairs and do what any mother would do. I started bawling my eyes out. After a week of careful cleaning and head inspections, we had to start all over. Not to mention, lice gives me the creeps. I mean, I am not an insect lover to begin with and the thought of bugs and eggs (vomit) in Leah's hair and my own is enough to send me off a cliff.

Bobby comes upstairs, fully aware of my mental state and reassures me it will be OK. I'm pretty sure that it won't be OK because I can't stop crying. Then Bobby does what he does best and makes everything better. He said this is such a short period of time of discomfort and at least we had Leah here in the first place to search her head for lice.

And with that, everything seemed lighter. We would bring in the New Year, just us four, which with a big family doesn't happen often. No one wanted to come visit with our current state and I didn't blame them. We would watch a movie on the couch and get take-out since I was in no mood for cooking. The kids would stay up for the countdown, even though Bobby and Bryce both took a little snoozer before hand. It really was a special holiday because even in this unfortunate circumstance, we are so fortunate to have each other to laugh and live with.

And if I really could change it, I wouldn't choose to be away from our families at Christmas. We get to spend time with so many people we love and that may expose us to many things, but I would give Tynli a big hug regardless.

I'm still not sure if I full on have lice, but decided to treat both of our heads. This process for long, thick hair takes at least two hours. Bobby, being the wonderful husband he is, went through my hair for a couple hours to make sure I was in the clear. Insert many jokes here. Have I ever mentioned how important it is to be able to laugh with your spouse? We had to laugh through this experience a lot. The next couple days will be full of tons more laundry and plastic bagging everything we own, but I'm pretty sure this will be the end of lice. And the beginning of a new paranoia for me.

Looking forward to more of the same (minus lice) in 2013, with less cussing, more working out and more writing!