While I can't wait for my kids to grow up, I want to slow it down as much as I can. I'm excited for their futures and the possibilities of what they can become and do. In those ways, I welcome time passing. But then I realize that with each stage of independence, I have to say good-bye to the parts that make my babies....well, my babies. Too often we wish for them to be able to walk, only to miss them needing us to be mobile. I really do try to savor each stage, knowing they don't last for long. There were days, (mostly toddler days) when I wished they could be more independent, only because my life would become a little easier. There were days when I really wished we could just skip the tantrum stage and go straight to the well-behaved older kid stage, because surely at some age they act right! I love how when kids don't act right - it's a stage and when they do - it's because of wonderful parenting.
This moment is frozen in time....
It is a natural instinct for me to reach for my kids' hands when we are walking. I like to hold their hands. It's comforting. I never thought about what age they stop holding your hand. I mean, I know I don't see teenagers walking around the mall holding their parents' hands, but when exactly does that change?
Heart-break. While walking into the mall, I reached down and held Leah's hand. Right away she grabbed mine. With my other hand, I reached out to hold Bryce's. He held mine back. FOR LIKE A SECOND. He awkwardly and quickly pulled his hand away. I reached for it again and he evaded my search for his. I looked at him confused. He just smirked but his eyes looked sad.
I asked, "Don't you want to hold my hand?"
He shyly replied, trying his best not to hurt my feelings, " I DO WANT TO Mom, its just...." And his little voice trailed off.
I tried my best to keep it together. My little guy! My buddy! When did he get old enough to know it wasn't cool to walk around the mall holding my hand?
I said it's OK. I understood. He stated again. "I really DO like holding your hand, Mom, I just can't."
I think it really hit home about how old Bryce is getting. I couldn't be more proud of how intelligent he is, not only in school, but in life. He's compassionate and caring and even knew how to make me feel better about not holding his hand. He was always such a perfect baby and is growing into a well-rounded little person. He does well at whatever he tries, but is always eager to learn more. His mind is so open to new things and now his hands can be open to new things as well.
It is pretty symbolic. I mean, you have to let go of their hand at some point, right? I still reach down for his hand, without even thinking about it. He still pulls away and then smirks at me. I guess there is no going back now.
And while this milestone can bring me to tears, I'm OK. He's OK. And you know what? He will still come up to me (even in front of his friends) and give me the best, big hug. He holds on super tight and for a long time. I squeeze back as hard as I can, without hurting the poor boy, and I savor it. One day those hugs will be quicker, if they even exist at all when he's a teenager. I never knew you could be so happy about something and so sad at the same time, with one big sweep of emotion.
My baby is growing up.
1 comment:
that is beautiful, thank you for sharing these feelings but I also want to say don't stop reaching for his hand cause one day he will reach out to you as well. My oldest Daniel is 18 and he always want to hold my hand when we walk in the mall and my yougest is 13 he doesn't do it as much but I always reach to hold his hand he would hold it for a little & then lets go which is ok cause I know he will reach out to mine soon enough :-) God bless you little happy family & may you always be happy together :-)
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