Taking Some Time

Ever since I was pregnant with Leah I have been nauseous. Nearly everyday and she is almost five. I started seeing doctor's about a year after having her because, what I thought was morning sickness, was not going away. I was s..l...o...w...l...y treated for an array of things. Ulcers, acid reflux, anxiety, and the list can go on for a while. Each time I would see a doctor, they would have me try a new medication. Me, being a good patient and wanting to be healed would take the prescription for the whole amount of time. Nothing changed. Sometimes, the nausea was manageable. Other times it would wipe me out. The worst part of it, is the anxiety I have. Well, and when I have to ice my stomach and gag myself by the toilet for hours. Sometimes it hits in the middle of sleep, other times throughout the day. It has been trying.

But I don't usually tell people how sick I am. I go about my life. I run the PTA, am active in my son's baseball and my daughter's dance, etc. I attend events and just smile through the nausea. This year my anxiety and nausea hit an all time low. I was stuck on the couch, couldn't pick up the kids from school, couldn't eat a normal diet. I felt horrible. I scheduled a scope and started seeing a specialist.

They discovered I had inflammation in my stomach and a stomach hernia. Both of which they are not treating. There isn't much to do, according to them. It is hard because I sometimes have to leave family functions, or call my mom to help me with the kids because I feel so sick. It's hard to write it down and finally admit it. I don't like being weak and having to say I can't do things.

Once my kids started praying at night for their mommy to not have stomach aches, I had a break down. I don't want them to worry about me, they are kids and shouldn't have to. That was the worst thing for me.

I finally, after five years, decided to take things slower. Cancel plans and rest. I semi-quit PTA. If I have to go home, I no longer smile through the nausea. I go home and try to make it through in the comforts of my own home. I realized me being sick was affected my family too much and anyone or anything outside of my four walls, would have to wait.

Some of my close friends who knew about my health are the best and so understanding. My friend Katie will talk me through on those days when I feel awful and am crying because I can't leave the house. My mom is my saving grace. She will drop everything to help me when I am low. She helps with my kids, comes and cries with me because she hates seeing me sick and she accompanies me on late night visits to the doctors. I cannot say how much that means to me.

Bobby is seriously a saint. I often remind him that he said, "sickness or health" when we said our vows. He usually just smiles and reassures me of his love, although he doesn't have to. I feel so bad for him because I put a damper on things. I really don't like to travel unless I'm with him, because he knows what to do and how to make me feel better if I get sick. He doesn't ever get mad. He wakes in the middle of the night with me and will rub my back even though he is half asleep. He lets me keep the house freezing and just gets blankets when he's cold- I do worse if I'm hot. When I stress about letting other people down, he reminds me that this is our number one priority for me to get better. He talks me through things and listens to my theories. He is a GREAT comfort to me and he never makes me feel bad. I do plenty of that on my own.

I don't want to seem like a baby as I know many people have diagnosed ailments that are much worse. And everyday I thank God for the hand I've been dealt. I love my life, but it is hard to enjoy the moments that are meant to be enjoyed when you don't feel well, when you are losing sleep and your patience is low. I am just being honest, finally, about how I feel. And most days I feel sick....to my stomach. And it messes with my mind.

Because I am nauseous, I prefer to be home. Imagine that you have the stomach flu. You feel like you are about to puke. You are hot and clammy. You race to the toilet. Your stomach is turning, growling and in knots. Then you get there, but you don't puke. Just the feeling is there from 20 minutes to a couple hours. Do you want to be somewhere in a car? On vacation? No you probably want to be hovered over your own clean toilet. It's not normal, but that's how bad it can get with me. So it makes traveling really hard. Hell, it makes going to the grocery store hard on some days.

I continue to see a specialist. I have been on tons of medications over the years. The last couple months have been pretty bad, but I'm starting to feel better. I usually goes through highs and lows like that. I am always happy and thankful when it subsides a little. Recently I decided to stop taking EVERYTHING I was on. I have been having a pretty good month so far with only a couple bad days here and there.

The doctors continue to not know where the inflammation is coming from. Chances are there will be several more tests, although they tell me some patients are never diagnosed with a reason for the inflammation, which gives me very little hope, but I try and stay positive. I have made changes to my diet and even quit coffee, which makes me sad. I am willing to let go of anything that will make me better though.

I tell myself and the people I come in contact with, they cant depend on me for things because if I don't feel good I am not going to be uncomfortable. I am going to make getting better a priority and take some time to rest when I need to. It's OK to not be superwoman, although I try really hard sometimes to be that. This summer I'm looking forward to some rest, some places to visit (if I can make it) and taking some time to heal and solve this....

for me....

for Bobby.... and....mostly

for my kids!